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I don’t believe you

1 Apr

I’ve come to realize that most of what people say is complete bullshit and not to be trusted.  I know, this sounds like a very negative way to begin a post – but bear with me.  I’m going to make a point, a good point, and I think you’ll all soon be nodding your head in agreement.  Or clicking your mouse far, far away from me. To look at porn.  I know you, I do. You pervert.

Anyway, I find that there are several phrases that are used frequently, which when uttered you should know mean absolute bupkis.  (Bupkis is the nice way of saying: Horseshit.  I’m trying to curse less, it’s working well, no?)

1.  “I tell it like it is.”  This phrase you will see used on almost every single reality show.  Whoever says this phrase, you know will be the resident beyotch.  What that phrase tells you is that this person will say whatever they want to, to whomever they wish and then get defensive when they’re called out on being a hurtful mean a-hole. (see what I did there? I did not type out “asshole,” I censored myself. I am so GOOD at this!”).  In real life if someone says this phrase, stay away from them.  This person will tell all your information and have no qualms talking smack about you, behind your back, to the entire office.  Trust.

What is so disarming about that phrase, is that it SHOULD be a good thing.  What they think they are saying is “I’m honest and upfront,” but what they are REALLY saying is, “I say nasty shit all the time, and if someone calls me out on it, I will get really pissed off and only saying meaner, nastier shit.  To everyone you know.  I might even make up some stories, too.”

2.  “My truth.”  If anyone you ever meet says they are speaking “their truth,” please feel free to throw up on them.   Seriously, just stick your finger down your throat and vomit in their face.  The only people I have EVER known to use this phrase are self-centered jerks, usually the same type of person who will “Tell it like it is,” will also be willing to tell “my truth” ad nauseum.   Also, a popular phrase used in reality T.V.

3.  “Your secret’s safe with me.”  What they forget to do is finish the rest of that sentence, which is as follows:  “and just one other person.”  Trust, whatever you tell you someone in secret – it will be told to at least one other person.  Who will tell one other person, who will tell one other person.  Also, don’t tell me ANYTHING you don’t want my husband to know.  He’s my secret squirrel.  And he really doesn’t tell anybody anything, because he’s totally honey-badger and couldn’t give a shit.  Also, don’t tell me while I’m drunk either – because I’m likely to repeat it to teh person sitting at the bar next to me. Especially if your secret is about the person sitting at the bar next to me.  That secret is OUT my friend.

So basically the short version is this:   most people don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves and can’t keep a secret.  What’s the summary of this?  I don’t give a shit and don’t tell me anything you don’t want my husband or my thousands of twitter followers (okay, 45) to know.




How do you handle disappointment?

27 Feb

How do you handle disappointment?

Recently I found out I’d lost out on a pretty sweet gig, and the worst part is, I can’t really hate on the person who got that gig because as I understand it – they’re pretty awesome.  But still, it stings.  It stings bad!

But this emotional ouchie is really getting to me, and I’m trying to pull through by focusing on the things around me that make me feel better.  Here’s what I did:

1.  I left work about 20 minutes early yesterday so I wouldn’t have to fight traffic. Seriously, traffic is so bad it would normally bring me to tears, so that little bit of extra time really helped.

2.  I ate my sorrows away.  Seriously, I killed a half a bag of salt and pepper potato chips.  These chips are DA BOMB, and they were delicious!  Don’t judge me.

3.  I drank.  I did, I had a few brews.  By myself.  In my pajamas.  I did, I drank a few Peronis, in my pajamas on the couch with my doggie and just relaxed.  Don’t judge me.  😉

4.  I cuddled with my pup.  Does anything make you feel better than a face full of puppy kisses?  I know.  NOTHING DOES!

5.  I watched my favorite TV shows.  There are a few shows that ALWAYS make  me laugh, even on reruns.  These are the shows I watched last night that made me giggle:  How I Met Your Mother, Big Bang Theory and Cougar Town.  Giggles abounded.  My tears subsided.

6.  Cry and whine to your significant other about how horrible you feel and let them tell you how awesome you are.  (But don’t push your luck, you only get a 48 hour window of this self-pity/wallowing before they are allowed to tell you to get over it already.)

So this morning I woke up still disappointed, but mostly having moved past my blues so that I can start my day fresh as a daisy.  Okay, I’m still friggin bitter, but if you are stuck home alone with bad news, I recommend these few tips.