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I don’t believe you

1 Apr

I’ve come to realize that most of what people say is complete bullshit and not to be trusted.  I know, this sounds like a very negative way to begin a post – but bear with me.  I’m going to make a point, a good point, and I think you’ll all soon be nodding your head in agreement.  Or clicking your mouse far, far away from me. To look at porn.  I know you, I do. You pervert.

Anyway, I find that there are several phrases that are used frequently, which when uttered you should know mean absolute bupkis.  (Bupkis is the nice way of saying: Horseshit.  I’m trying to curse less, it’s working well, no?)

1.  “I tell it like it is.”  This phrase you will see used on almost every single reality show.  Whoever says this phrase, you know will be the resident beyotch.  What that phrase tells you is that this person will say whatever they want to, to whomever they wish and then get defensive when they’re called out on being a hurtful mean a-hole. (see what I did there? I did not type out “asshole,” I censored myself. I am so GOOD at this!”).  In real life if someone says this phrase, stay away from them.  This person will tell all your information and have no qualms talking smack about you, behind your back, to the entire office.  Trust.

What is so disarming about that phrase, is that it SHOULD be a good thing.  What they think they are saying is “I’m honest and upfront,” but what they are REALLY saying is, “I say nasty shit all the time, and if someone calls me out on it, I will get really pissed off and only saying meaner, nastier shit.  To everyone you know.  I might even make up some stories, too.”

2.  “My truth.”  If anyone you ever meet says they are speaking “their truth,” please feel free to throw up on them.   Seriously, just stick your finger down your throat and vomit in their face.  The only people I have EVER known to use this phrase are self-centered jerks, usually the same type of person who will “Tell it like it is,” will also be willing to tell “my truth” ad nauseum.   Also, a popular phrase used in reality T.V.

3.  “Your secret’s safe with me.”  What they forget to do is finish the rest of that sentence, which is as follows:  “and just one other person.”  Trust, whatever you tell you someone in secret – it will be told to at least one other person.  Who will tell one other person, who will tell one other person.  Also, don’t tell me ANYTHING you don’t want my husband to know.  He’s my secret squirrel.  And he really doesn’t tell anybody anything, because he’s totally honey-badger and couldn’t give a shit.  Also, don’t tell me while I’m drunk either – because I’m likely to repeat it to teh person sitting at the bar next to me. Especially if your secret is about the person sitting at the bar next to me.  That secret is OUT my friend.

So basically the short version is this:   most people don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves and can’t keep a secret.  What’s the summary of this?  I don’t give a shit and don’t tell me anything you don’t want my husband or my thousands of twitter followers (okay, 45) to know.




An Open Letter to Glitzy the Pig (from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo)

5 Sep

I have escaped! If you want to book me for appearances, please call 1-800-BACON and ask for Margarita my publicist. I’M FAMOUS BITCHES!
As a recently freed political prisoner, I am currently working on my Memoir, Pig in A Blanket: Escape from the Griddle. In my free time I like to roll around on my back, poop wherever I please, and eat until I pass out. I also enjoy reading graphic novels, Manga and my favorite show is Downton Abby. (Although all my littermates call it “Downtown” Abby, I’ve stopped correcting them).

Dear Glitzy,

As you are probably now all snuggled up in a nice warm bed of mud and your belly is full from a heaping helping of pig slop, I think we can talk. Piggy to crazy blog lady, you feel me?

Now, when I saw your cute squealing piggy face on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, I thought of two things. 1) NO FAIR! Where’s MY cute little teacup pig?! and 2) This CANNOT end well.

I know it must have been humiliating to have your piggy toenails painted. If you want to, you can trade horror stories with my Doberman. Her favorite color is pink, by the way. (Because I told her so! Now smile pretty for Mama, Cookie). And doubly humiliating that apparently they never thought to Google the appropriate way to hold a pig, so apparently they kept pinching your little pig nuggets every time they picked you up. Squeeeeeeal!

But I think the biggest issue for me, is that every time you were onscreen, it was like you were on a razor’s edge. Let’s be frank here for a minute, these are people that eat roadkill. Granted, venison is good meat, I am a fan, but these are people who DO NOT WASTE ANYTHING! (See June’s toilet paper cache). Meaning, it would have only been a matter of time before you were on that barbecue.

Listen, I’ve been married to an Argentine for five years now, and I know what that look means. I saw the look on June and Sugar Bear’s face, and they were calculating how many meals they’d get out of you. Maybe that was why you squealed so much?

I even asked my husband if we could rescue you, but he said no. “Do you know what the problem with having a pet pig is?” he asked. “No,” I replied.

“They’re delicious.” And then he smacked his lips and started preparing some chimichurri. You would have been no better off with me. Razor’s edge, my friend.

So I just wanted to say, congratulations on being a free pig. I hope the next home you land in gives you tons of love and affection and doesn’t squeeze your piggy nuggets. And they don’t eat you.

Farewell Glitzy, you sweet gay little piggy.