Zombie Shuffle

12 Oct

For the past few years, I’ve attempted to get into “running” as exercise.  I’ve run in several 5K’s, but several health problems (numerous eye surgeries) have impeded my progress.

Not to mention my MONUMENTALLY fat ass.

Seriously, it’s hard to get any speed to move this monolith.  And once I get into the groove of things, I like it.  I really do.  It’s the snail’s pace of progress, along with my own snail’s pace that is really frustrating.

At this rate, I can run for 30 minutes straight (outside on the road) with maybe two short walks (two minutes piece?).  The thing is, my overall rate of pace is 14 minute mile.

My mother-in-law who is seventy can speedwalk past me at that speed.  Honestly, the dog is just patronizing me on these “runs.”  She constantly looks at me like, “Seriously Mom?  You call this running? I  am sooooo BORED right now!”

I’ve had wonderful tips of encouragement and am constantly told to just “keep with it!  Most people can’t even walk a mile!”  Which I think is bullshit.

Also bullshit?  Advice to work on my “form.”

Please.  By the end of one of my runs, I’m barely upright.  I’m covered in sweat, soaked through with the hudmity and heat, and just staggering toward to the end of my route.  Honestly, I liken my form to that of a Zombie, just slowly shuffling towards BRAAAAAINS!  MORE BRAAAAAINS!  AAARRRRRGH!

I shouldnt be so hard on myself.  I am sure some people don’t exercise at all and at least at this point I am three weeks into this habit, having had to stop running in August due to another eye surgery.    But I would like to see some damn improvement already. 

At least I wouldnt be scaring all the kids who are innocently playing ball int eh front yard and are suddenly faced with the Zombie Apocolypse as I gasp and limp my towards them.

Recently Mindy Kaling said she was a “slow runner” and that she runs an 11 minute mile, to which I say GOOD FOR YOU!  And darnit, she’s fast! 

Seriously, if she ran past me, I’d barely see her  – she’d be a blur. 

So don’t be so hard on yourself girlfriend.  You’re at least WAAAAAY faster than me.  Which isn’t saying MUCH, but it’s something. 



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