How Raising a Dog Will Prepare You for Raising a Kid (kind of)

21 Sep

Now, before you get all defensive that your perfect little cherub is not a cat poop eating fur beast, let me just ask that you open your mind and read a bit before you roll your eyes so far in the back of your head you pass out

Also, in the interest of full diclosure, please note that I have not bred yet and am therefore completely basing all of my observations on my experiences with my 95 lb. Doberman and judging my two sisters (who have 5 kids between them).

1.  Have A Little Patience, yeaaah yeaaaaah:  Having a dog requires a lot of patience. Why you ask? Because when that puppy comes home she is a spazz.  A spazz of epic proportions and she is simply TOO LITTLE right now to understand most commands – or just too hyper to focus. Similarly, your child will not reason for the first three years. Sure, they’ll get the meaning of “no” soon enough, and when that happens they’ll turn it around on you.  A LOT.  But reasoning with them?  Oh hell, no.  They understand, hungry, sleepy, and MINE!  And that’s about it for the few years.  The rest of the time you are dealing with a screaming little ball of Id –if you don’t have any patience, buddy – you are so screwed.

Having a dog that constantly ignores you, follows orders when she feels like it and pisses in the house will undoubtedly teach you a little patience.   And good for you!  Because once you have kids, you will learn to have a whole other type of patience.  And wish you could use the dog crate.  I kid, kind of.

2.  Things Are Gonna Get Gross:   As I have mentioned before, dogs are straight up nasty.  Not to be too descriptive, but until you have pulled a feminine product from the throat of the beast that loves to lick your face every morning, you will not know what the definition of “disgusting” is.

That is of course unless you are familiar with the phrase – “diaper blowout.”  In that case, you know what disgusting is because that brown goo just went all over the car seat, onto the seat cushions and your baby is now wearing a shit-bib.  It’s awesome.

No, no it isn’t.  It’s friggin nasty and you are covered in shit. 

But here is where I have the one-up on those of you who are new parents and have  never hadto pull a tampon out of your dog’s mouth – I know what gross is.   I also know how to get a situation HANDLED when it gets viscerally nasty.  Quickly, breathing through your mouth, while repeating the phrase, “sogrosssogrosssogrossSOOOGROSSSSS!”  I find that little chant helps.  Not as much as breathing through your mouth though. 

Shit will get nasty, my friends.  Just be prepared.

3.  Your Stuff Is Going to Get Ruined.  Oh yes, prepare to have your house destroyed.  Unless you end up rescuing an old bassett hound from the pound named Rufus and all he does is warm the tile up for you every morning – your house will be destroyed.

Since we’ve had Cookie, we’ve lost about 30 pairs of socks, countless t shirts, she’s chewed up the couch cushions, once she ate my husband’s watch, she even destroyed the hair dryer at the Groomer’s.  Thankfully she’s terribly cute and they didn’t make us pay for it.

Similarly, your kids are going to ruin everything.  They will pee, vomit, and rub their poop on things you love.  They’ll also find it HILARIOUS to put random things in   random places.  Your DVD player is a great place to shove skittles, or wipe peanut butter on your television set.  I know people who have lost tv’s, paint jobs on their cars, ruined    tile floors, you name it – your kid can ruin it.  Just be prepared to love your child morethan your things.  Which really, you should be doing anyway.

4.  Kiss Happy Hour Goodbye.  I used to be the Happy Hour Queen, I really was.  If there was a place with 2 for 1 and my friends were there?  Count. Me. In.  But ever since we go the dog, well – someone needs to let her out to pee.  I have to go home first, and once I’m home, forget it.  I’m in.  I’m not going anywhere.

Actually, almost everything is scheduled around the dog.  You can’t take vacations without making arrangements.  You can’t stay out all night – I mean, you CAN but know that at 7 am you have to get up anyway to make sure someone does not piss all over your couches (hopefully it’s not you, you drunkard!)

But what I really mean by all of this – is that when you own a dog, you get a little taste of what it’s like to prioritize your time and life around caring for someone/something else.  Without you, that poor fuzz ball will be lonely and uncared for.  You have to make time for someone/something other than yourself. 

So, If you are a selfish person, just don’t do it.  Don’t breed, and don’t bring a furball into your home.  Get a plant, or a subscription to Netflix. 

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