Open Letter to Facebook

11 Sep

I couldnt take it anymore, I’d had it.  So I quit Facebook.  A couple of my friends were horrified, some thought I’d “defriended” them and are now offended, and some people could give a crap.  Three weeks after I kicked my FB to the curb, I feel better for having done it.  You see, Facebook had just served to seriously annoy me several times a day and I just couldn’t see why I would want to keep allowing myself to get annoyed. I’d log in, sigh loudly and curse at several people under my breath and then log off.  Rinse, repeat.  So I said, eff it!  I turned that shiz off.

Here is my Dear John Letter to Facebook, Why I Am Quitting You Facebook.  Kindly suck it.

Dear Facebook, 

These are the reasons that I quit you:

 1)    “The Friends Factor:”  While it is pretty awesome to be able to keep track of friends who have since moved away and out of state, it is also NOT AWESOME to see that they are in town visiting other friends.  Which is why the word “friend” as it relates to Facebook just bugs me.  Can we have categories, like “acquaintance?”  Or, “person I will ignore as I pretend to be taking a call on my cell phone when I see them at the mall?”

If you are my friend, you will have my phone number and I will have yours.  And we’ll be able to call each other up and chat and it will be all good. “Liking” a photo of my dog, or “poking” me does not mean we’re friends.  My friends exist in real time, not the ether of the internet.  So, if you are my friend and you are in town and don’t visit me, at least call me to tell me.  Or don’t post about it, cuz that makes me haz a sad.

2)    “The Family Factor:”  Once your Mom figures out you have a Facebook account, forget it.  Every photo of my dog she “likes” and comments on the minute it’s uploaded.  I can’t post anything without her commenting all over it. 

Once your Mom has a Facebook account, all is lost.  Move on.

3)    “The Gaming Factor:”  Seriously, does anyone work anymore?  I mean, everybody is playing some newfangled word game and nobody is working.  My phone keeps “dinging” because someone has won 500 points at Wordscrabblebogglebarf!   Everytime I hear the new “jobs report” my phone dings and reminds me that – Hey!  America is working, just not very hard.  (Which, now that I think about it, I need to figure out these notification settings on my iPhone?  I’m so confused . . . .)

4)    “The Sympathy Factor:”  If you are having a bad day, I’m sympathetic.  But cryptic status updates about, “The world is such a horrible place, my heart is breaking into a million pieces, can someone pass me a razor?” MUST be followed with a detailed explanation and had better not be due to the fact that you ran out of mayo for your sandwich.  Now, if it is regarding Amy Poehler and Will Arnett breaking up?  Hold me.

5)    “The Braggart Factor:”  Really?  It’s six am and you just ran eight miles?  Good for you.  Wait – you also lifted weights and rescued a puppy from a sewer drain?  Awesome.  Guess what?  I just took my morning dump, AND it was awesome.  Also – it really happened. Unlike your morning.  So shut up.  You’re annoying.  And probably lying.  I just know you ate a box of Cheez-its and are watching Kelly and Michael. Don’t lie to me.  I’m onto your charade. 

6)    “Time Wasting Factor:”  Now I can tweet more since I am no longer on Facebook.  I have traded one vice for another.  Don’t judge me, and if you do, make it under 140 characters.


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