Camel Toe and other fashion faux pas

6 Sep

let me just share you with the epidemic that is taking place in Miami.  It’s camel toe people.  For those of you who may not be aware, camel toe is the situation that happens in your lady place when your pants are too tight, and then your vagina gets all greedy and just pulls all that cloth in and around your biscuit – hence the term “camel toe.”

You may think those white pants are cute, and you may not have worn underwear so that we can’t see your thong, but GIRLLLLL, I am not your gynecologist.   Put some underwear on, and wear clothes that fit.  For the love of GOD!  I do NOT need to SEE that!

Today at the hospital (I go to a hospital to get my eye exams) I saw a young-ish woman (obvs she was late thirties aiming for late twenties.  FAIL) and she had see through whitepants on and no underwear.  AND she had a young son with her, who undoubtedly will be unpacking this mentally for years to come and it will play out in his many future failed relationships. THANKS MOM.

Anyhow, I see it EVERYWHERE!  I actually call it the “Dolphin Mall Look,” which is a popular outlet mall here and it must be a breeding ground for the camel toe, because it is everywhere.

And NOBODY bats an eye at it!

Now, I think that perhaps not all of these women are showing their chocha off on purpose. I believe that some just do not want to buy a bigger size pants, they are in denial they’ve gained weight.  To these women I say, get yourself to Ann Taylor girl.  Buy that size 14, because wearing a size that fits actually makes you look smaller.

Case in point – I recently bought several dresses in a larger size, and for the next two weeks everyone asked me if I had lost weight.  Noooo, I just dress so my boody doesn’t bounce out of my jeans.  A muffin top is NEVER sexy.

But some of these women actually think the tight pants look sexy, despite the very real threat of a raging yeast infection.

Yes, ladies.  Walking around in the Miami heat with a yard of denim up your cooch is not healthy.  Or comfortable.  I imagine it would be like trying to carry around laundry in your vagina all day long.  No bueno!

So the  moral of the story is, Miami, please start buying pants that fit so I don’t have to see your labia.  I appreciate it.

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